Temperature. Home alone. Listening to Pixies.

One last thing before I go

***

Without you I'm slowly going nowhere

Ignoring all the signs and ripping all the maps

I need you madly, lead me somewhere

Please fill my emptiness

I know the road

I've been there so many times before

The border of despair and happiness

What if I slip and fall to the wrong side

Will you be there to help me up?

Distance equals rate times time

I believe loneliness is the worst one could feel and the most common feeling out there. One may feel lonely with hundreds of people around, there might be no matching character in the crowd, no real friend. Another peculiar thing is, if one knows that there are people he could call, tell them it's an emergency and they would turn up at his doorstep with beer or possibly spirits (depending on the severity of one's condition), it is not that bad. Just the comfort of imagining the situation makes one feel better. However, if those people are out of reach, the feeling of emptiness takes hold. Suddenly one feels abandoned and lonelier than ever before. Just the though of someone being far away makes us sad although the reality of our position is unchanged; we are still sitting on the sofa, smoking a cigarette, regardless of whether our friends are in or out of town.

Distance equals rate times time. So does loneliness.

I'm off to Paris tomorrow, i'll try not to think too much.

Yours,

Lilit

I'll have to throw a few poems at you, hope you don't mind.

1.

I met you in Autumn
Red, yellow leaves
Falling from the trees
Beautiful death
Of my memories

2.

This is my own mistake
While you wait
The world around you
Doesn't slow its moving pace
And a tear
Is running down my face

Men

I like men. I always did. I guess because they are easier to read. Men spend less time thinking about their actions or emotions. They have no idea why they feel the way they do and they rarely care. On the other hand, most women analyse their own actions and emotions, trying to build a map of what action an behavior leads to what outcome. Women are much more talented in shaping their behaviour in order to achieve something.

I guess the fact that I can't read most women scares me. I feel I have less power and I can't be free with my expressions. That's why I love men, I can be myself (and not but they'll never figure it out).

If a woman flirts with a man she does it in a way which proved to be successful before. She will be doing that on purpose, sipping her gin and tonic slowly, looking him in the eyes. He will be shitting his pants from excitement by this stage, his logic will dissolve in his G and T. He doesn't even like gin.

When women realise their power, it is easy to be cruel. I am cruel sometimes, and I know why....

Big City M

The place itself isn’t cursed but everyone here seems to believe so. It’s like a snowball effect, depression amplifies with every nervous driver, every sickly face on Moscow metro, with the first slushy shit-like snow, with the first guy who breaks her heart and smokes himself to death.

I don’t know. The thing is, nobody knows. Compassion is nonexistent in our hearts, our hearts don’t believe in us anymore. I sit in my kitchen and feel alien. I’d much rather be elsewhere, in somebody else’s kitchen, drinking somebody else’s tea.

I breath in this air, I can see what it’s made of; dirt, desperation, misery, alcohol and whores. I smell anger of young and indifference of old. I smell shit food and dog crap. This is my Moscow and there’s nothing I can do but run.

You're better off without him

Your mind so clear

Throw away that film

And look what's there around you

No more phonecalls

And messages that make no sense

Come on, he lied he loved you

But you decided to pretend

I'll throw away your picture

And stop sending you farewells

There was something, but without you

There's a chance that it hurts less

And when I told you

That this should have never gone so far

You should have listened, now behind you,

There's me, unwanted, poisoned by your lies.